SilentPaws
08-05-06, 06:52 PM 08-05-06
This is her story-
I am now 17 years old as of July 26. Three years ago I was finally able to get my first horse. She would be staying in Missouri with my Nana while I lived in California however that did not matter. She had 30 acres to run on and people to care for her and me to love her when I came during the year. I had been dreaming for a horse since I was three when my sister first described them to me. Everything was about horses. Our games, our future jobs, our future life, our future living plans. Then when I was fourteen years old I went to Missouri to my Nana's farm for my birthday and she decided to get me a horse. OH MY GOD! The idea would not sink in. The fact that I would actually have a living breathing real horse to touch and even go so far as to call my own amazed me.
When I first went to go look at My Beauty I was not impressed. I wanted my dream horse and my dreamhorse was supposed to be a gelding and a black one at that. She was completely white with no markings excet a pink blaze that only showed on her nose. She had scratches and bite marks all over her because she had been beat up by other horses. But then I saw her two day old foal next to her that we would get free if we bought her and he looked sooo cute! (She was 12 by the way) We bought her and took her to my Nana's farm where she and her colt would have thirty acres of grass to run on. Pure bliss! She was a bit of a lazy horse and got used to being with the cows on my Nana's farm so whenever I tried to gallop her away from them it was an effort to get her to trot, then as soon as we turned towards them WHAM! I have never been on a faster horse than that one. My lips were literally pulled back from my face. I would come back to her after her not being ridden for 5 months and jump up on her bareback with just a halter and halter rope on and she was perfect. I never knew I loved her so much until two years later when I had just gotten home from school. It was June 1st and we were going to start finals the very next day. I got a phone call from my Nana. I will never forget those first words "Cassidy I need to tell you something....there was an accident." From the tone of her voice I started panicking in my mind the first thought was "Beauty died, shes gone shes dead I will never see her again" That is what I kept thinking over and over though I contradicted myself and said "no no she cannot be do not worry she probably just got hurt" though that was not a comforting feeling either. It was wednesday, she had gotten into an accident that previous thursday. She had come up into the pasture with a tree branch in her ide much like a splinter. Only this branch was around two-three inches thick and ran almost the whole entire length of her side. My Nana's best guess was that she had spooked and ran by a tree in the night and did not see the branch. My Nana took her to an equine clinic where they kept her and cleaned out the wound and stuff. On Sunday my Nana got a phone call at 4:32 in the morning. Beauty was no longer doing well. She had gotten depressed and was not responding to the medication. They asked permission to switch her medication and my Nana said sure. Monday night my Nana recieved another call. They asked permission to put her down. My Nana said no, she wanted to see if the medication would work given more time. Wednesday June 1st 2005 my Nana recieved another call from them around 6:30 asking permission to put her down again. She had given up. She was not responding and her heart rate was terrible. My Nana went through with it. 6:43 I got the call. I have never had such a bad day as that in my life. I have never experienced any death in my family or in any pets other than fish and my sister hamster when I was three. It broke me. She was my dream finally aquired. No one will understand what it felt like yet all of those who have experienced a loss will. Everyone is different yet the same. My mother was never happy about me recieving my horse. I had family "support" for three days where they shushed anyone who even mentioned the word horse or Missouir or Nana. after that I was on my own. To this day I have not accepted the fact that she is gone. I see a white horse and it freezes me. I MUST go up and pet them, talk to them, whisper to them. None have ever even been vaguely the same. I remember her tail. I would stand for hours brushing her tail. It was wonderful. Every waking moment every breath eery time I sleep, watch a move, talk, read, write, play I am reminded of her. The pain she must have felt. The worst is, it is my fault. If I had been there for her she would not have given up. She was stuck in a strange place with wierd smells, wierd horses, wierd people who stuck needles in her and in a stall. She had not been confined since we had bought her other than at a five day horse camp where I visited her every half hour and she still cribbed and was distressed. If I had been there I could have brought her back from her misery, I would have boarded her son there, Braveheart. Her and him were very close. When I took her to horse camp and he stayed behind as soon as we let her back inside she was calling from one side of the pasture he the other and they ran towards each other neighing and started sniffing eacother and whickering and grooming eachother. She would have been fine. The worst is when I go and see her son braveheart. We have six others besides him now. He is going to be white like his mother, her looks exactly like her and I do not know what I am going to do when he finally does look like her. Everytime he see's the red horse trailer which we always brought her home to him with he runs up to it neighing looking for mom. I do not know what to say to him then. I am mom now. He is an orphan. I was not even allowed to know my horse was injured because they were worried it would affect my finals. A grade over a life. Mothers are cruel. Another thing on my conscience. The last time I was there it was spring and it was still very cold from the snows. She was really dirty but I could not give her a bath because it was too cold. I said to her "when I get back I promise you the first thing I am going to do is give you a bath"
I wanted to share this story for all of those who have horses. Never take them for granted, never let them go. wake up early in the morning to see them brush them until they are as clean as possible. Love them to death. Fight for them enjoy them fully. Otherwise when they leave you, you willl be left with this incomplete feeling like mine, it is a void that cannot be filled. So many who have not experienced a death before believe it is only a figure of speech. No one can have something like that. Well I do. It is there, it is real, it is a nothingness. It is where that burst of love and joy used to be when I saw her. Never turn your back on them. Always be there. Never never never let them go. Hold them for just a few extra moments before you go to bed then hold them and kiss them some more. your time with them is timed. The clock is ticking and this time it is against you. Use it to the fullest.
This is her the very last time I saw her.
http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c27/phoenixspy/100_0583.jpg
http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c27/phoenixspy/100_0581.jpg
http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c27/phoenixspy/100_0580.jpg
I am now 17 years old as of July 26. Three years ago I was finally able to get my first horse. She would be staying in Missouri with my Nana while I lived in California however that did not matter. She had 30 acres to run on and people to care for her and me to love her when I came during the year. I had been dreaming for a horse since I was three when my sister first described them to me. Everything was about horses. Our games, our future jobs, our future life, our future living plans. Then when I was fourteen years old I went to Missouri to my Nana's farm for my birthday and she decided to get me a horse. OH MY GOD! The idea would not sink in. The fact that I would actually have a living breathing real horse to touch and even go so far as to call my own amazed me.
When I first went to go look at My Beauty I was not impressed. I wanted my dream horse and my dreamhorse was supposed to be a gelding and a black one at that. She was completely white with no markings excet a pink blaze that only showed on her nose. She had scratches and bite marks all over her because she had been beat up by other horses. But then I saw her two day old foal next to her that we would get free if we bought her and he looked sooo cute! (She was 12 by the way) We bought her and took her to my Nana's farm where she and her colt would have thirty acres of grass to run on. Pure bliss! She was a bit of a lazy horse and got used to being with the cows on my Nana's farm so whenever I tried to gallop her away from them it was an effort to get her to trot, then as soon as we turned towards them WHAM! I have never been on a faster horse than that one. My lips were literally pulled back from my face. I would come back to her after her not being ridden for 5 months and jump up on her bareback with just a halter and halter rope on and she was perfect. I never knew I loved her so much until two years later when I had just gotten home from school. It was June 1st and we were going to start finals the very next day. I got a phone call from my Nana. I will never forget those first words "Cassidy I need to tell you something....there was an accident." From the tone of her voice I started panicking in my mind the first thought was "Beauty died, shes gone shes dead I will never see her again" That is what I kept thinking over and over though I contradicted myself and said "no no she cannot be do not worry she probably just got hurt" though that was not a comforting feeling either. It was wednesday, she had gotten into an accident that previous thursday. She had come up into the pasture with a tree branch in her ide much like a splinter. Only this branch was around two-three inches thick and ran almost the whole entire length of her side. My Nana's best guess was that she had spooked and ran by a tree in the night and did not see the branch. My Nana took her to an equine clinic where they kept her and cleaned out the wound and stuff. On Sunday my Nana got a phone call at 4:32 in the morning. Beauty was no longer doing well. She had gotten depressed and was not responding to the medication. They asked permission to switch her medication and my Nana said sure. Monday night my Nana recieved another call. They asked permission to put her down. My Nana said no, she wanted to see if the medication would work given more time. Wednesday June 1st 2005 my Nana recieved another call from them around 6:30 asking permission to put her down again. She had given up. She was not responding and her heart rate was terrible. My Nana went through with it. 6:43 I got the call. I have never had such a bad day as that in my life. I have never experienced any death in my family or in any pets other than fish and my sister hamster when I was three. It broke me. She was my dream finally aquired. No one will understand what it felt like yet all of those who have experienced a loss will. Everyone is different yet the same. My mother was never happy about me recieving my horse. I had family "support" for three days where they shushed anyone who even mentioned the word horse or Missouir or Nana. after that I was on my own. To this day I have not accepted the fact that she is gone. I see a white horse and it freezes me. I MUST go up and pet them, talk to them, whisper to them. None have ever even been vaguely the same. I remember her tail. I would stand for hours brushing her tail. It was wonderful. Every waking moment every breath eery time I sleep, watch a move, talk, read, write, play I am reminded of her. The pain she must have felt. The worst is, it is my fault. If I had been there for her she would not have given up. She was stuck in a strange place with wierd smells, wierd horses, wierd people who stuck needles in her and in a stall. She had not been confined since we had bought her other than at a five day horse camp where I visited her every half hour and she still cribbed and was distressed. If I had been there I could have brought her back from her misery, I would have boarded her son there, Braveheart. Her and him were very close. When I took her to horse camp and he stayed behind as soon as we let her back inside she was calling from one side of the pasture he the other and they ran towards each other neighing and started sniffing eacother and whickering and grooming eachother. She would have been fine. The worst is when I go and see her son braveheart. We have six others besides him now. He is going to be white like his mother, her looks exactly like her and I do not know what I am going to do when he finally does look like her. Everytime he see's the red horse trailer which we always brought her home to him with he runs up to it neighing looking for mom. I do not know what to say to him then. I am mom now. He is an orphan. I was not even allowed to know my horse was injured because they were worried it would affect my finals. A grade over a life. Mothers are cruel. Another thing on my conscience. The last time I was there it was spring and it was still very cold from the snows. She was really dirty but I could not give her a bath because it was too cold. I said to her "when I get back I promise you the first thing I am going to do is give you a bath"
I wanted to share this story for all of those who have horses. Never take them for granted, never let them go. wake up early in the morning to see them brush them until they are as clean as possible. Love them to death. Fight for them enjoy them fully. Otherwise when they leave you, you willl be left with this incomplete feeling like mine, it is a void that cannot be filled. So many who have not experienced a death before believe it is only a figure of speech. No one can have something like that. Well I do. It is there, it is real, it is a nothingness. It is where that burst of love and joy used to be when I saw her. Never turn your back on them. Always be there. Never never never let them go. Hold them for just a few extra moments before you go to bed then hold them and kiss them some more. your time with them is timed. The clock is ticking and this time it is against you. Use it to the fullest.
This is her the very last time I saw her.
http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c27/phoenixspy/100_0583.jpg
http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c27/phoenixspy/100_0581.jpg
http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c27/phoenixspy/100_0580.jpg