Pet Grief

We grieve over the death of a pet. This reaction is only natural. Our feelings towards pets are so special that experts have a term for the relationship: "the human animal bond." When this bond is severed, the sense of loss can be overwhelming.

Society does not offer a grieving pet owner a great deal of sympathy. Even a close friend may comment: "It's only a dog (cat). You can always get another." Such a reaction would be heartless given the loss of a human friend or family member, and it is generally recognized that a person who has experienced such a loss needs the support of friends and relatives. Psychologists now acknowledge that we need as much support, but get far less, with the loss of a companion animal.

• How We Feel:

When a person dies, family friends and relatives pay their respects at the family home or funeral parlor. There is a funeral where sorrow and tears are accepted, even expected. Afterward, during a mourning period, friends and relatives assist and comfort grieving family members until their grief subsides and new routines develop.

When a pet dies, there is no such social ritual to formalize the grief. To many, a funeral for the family pet would seem eccentric and a formal period of mourning bizarre. Even the immediate family and intimate friends may not fully understand the loss. Still, the loss of a pet affects our emotions and all the more so if the pet was an integral part of the family. These feelings usually progress through several stages. Recognizing them can help us cope with the grief we feel.

• The First Stage: Denial

Denial is the initial response of many pet owners when confronted with a pet's terminal condition or sudden death. This rejection seems to be the mind's buffer against a sharp emotional blow.

• The Second Stage: Bargaining

This stage is well documented in the human grieving process. When faced with impending death, an individual may "bargain," offering some sacrifice if the loved one is spared. People losing a pet are less likely to bargain. Still, the hope that a pet might recover can foster reactions like, "If Rover recovers, I'll never skip his regular walk . . . never put him in a kennel when I go on vacation, . . . never . . ."

• The Third Stage: Anger

Recognizing anger in the grieving process is seldom a problem. Dealing with anger often is. Anger can be obvious, as in hostility or aggression. On the other hand, anger often turns inward, emerging as guilt.

Many veterinarians have heard the classic anger response: "What happened? I thought you had everything under control and now you have killed my dog!" or "If you hadn't let him out at night, he wouldn't have been run over!" Such outbursts help relieve immediate frustrations though often at the expense of someone else.

More commonly, pet owners dwell on the past. The number of "if only " regrets is endless:

"If only I hadn't left the dog at my sister's house."

"If only I had taken kitty to the veterinarian a week ago."

Whether true or false, such recriminations and fears do little to relieve anger and are not constructive.

• The Fourth Stage: Grief

This is the stage of true sadness. The pet is gone, along with the guilt and anger, and only an emptiness remains. It is now that the support of family and friends is most important and, sadly, most difficult to find.

A lack of support prolongs the grief stage. Therefore, the pet owner may want to seek the help of a professional counselor or a pet loss support hotline. It is helpful, too, that one recognizes that other pet owners have experienced similar feelings and that you are not alone in this grief. In many areas, pet loss support groups are sponsored by local veterinarians or humane societies. A few phone calls can confirm this and put you in touch with some very helpful folks.

• A Proper GoodBye

At some point you are going to have to make final arrangements for your pet. In the past, a veterinarian would simply "take care of it." As we have grown to understand more about the loss of companion animals, it has become accepted that a proper goodbye is very beneficial in finalizing the grieving process. This process takes time and is divided into two parts:

The first part is the disposal of your pet's body. Whether by cremation or burial, as with a human, this part of the process is necessarily complete in a matter of days.
The second part evolves the final acceptance of the loss and the healing of the wounds. As with the death of a human, this may take a period of months. With a human, memorial funds and scholarships are established. With both man and pet, the final validations of love and respect are made when the survivors order and place an urn or memorial stone. Although unconscious and generally unrecognized, this period of healing is very important.

Most people that receive beautiful urns or memorial stones as gifts will not place them for several months until the healing is complete. The givers need to be aware of this and not feel hurt because the urn or stone was not placed immediately. The receivers need to be aware also so they don't feel pushed into finalizing their grief too soon. That is not to say one should wait to give such a gift. On the contrary, such a gift is one of the best showings of support that a person can make, and the sooner the better. Simply let your friend know that you understand that it is healthy to let that gift sit in the corner for a while.

• The Final Stage: Resolution

All things come to an end, even grieving. As time passes, the distress dissipates as the pet owner remembers the good times, not the pet's passing. More often than not, the answer lies in a new pet, a new companion animal to fulfill the need for a pet in the household.